To all men,
Here is what you have a right to know about porn:
Did you know that the kind of pornography you’re most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life, further injuring your brokenness?
Growing up in a sheltered home, I learned that it is wrong to watch porn. I never had any desire to, and I assumed that it would never affect me. Wow was I wrong; sadly it has brought much grief to my life. I have recently done extensive research on the topic to better understand it. I know everyone who reads this can learn something. I write this based on an assumption that men are the ones watching porn. Some girls struggle with the temptation also, but the majority are still men.
What you Steal from your Future Marriage
Ana Bridges, Ph.D. says “The camera angles minimize the visual information about who the guy is. Porn tends to be shots of the penis, with the woman seen more in totality.” It’s intended to make men feel as if they’re actually having sex, not just watching it. (Scott)
According to an expert in menshealth.com, “The big kicker that people leave out of the equation is the ejaculatory response. This is what really stores the memory. When you have an orgasm, there’s a release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, presumably to bind you to your partner. If you’re viewing pornography, your partner is the screen in front of you.” Another expert said, “When all of those hormones are released, you’re conditioning the brain to bond and attach to those images. This pleasurable surge, combined with ‘perceived enhancement’ of real-world sex, can overshadow -even mask- any negative effects of porn, driving men to keep viewing it.” (Scott)
The bible says that if a man lusts after a woman, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Porn is designed to make sure that men feel as though they are committing adultery- having sex with, or having a sexual experience with, the girl on the screen. Even menshealth.com stated, “Porn offers easy access to commitment-free sex with multiple partners (Scott).”
On top of this addictive cycle, as you watch it over a period of time, you need more and more of it -and more intensity- to get the same high from it. Ana Bridge, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Arkansas said, “When there is more action, more intensity of emotion- it doesn’t necessarily have to be a positive emotion; it can just be intensity- then arousal increases.” Hence, a lot of porn involves women showing visible discomfort because this makes it more intense. (Scott)
In a recent report, “64 percent report that their tastes in porn have become more extreme or deviant.” (Christian)
No woman can compete with a website with hundreds of videos of the most attractive girls that the internet could find. When one girl gets boring, there’s always another perfect-looking one to watch. Many of the women have breast enhancements as well, making it even more difficult for real women to compete. These porn actors also do things that most girls cannot do without physical, emotional, and/or mental discomfort. Which leads me to my next point..
Abuse of Women While Filming Porn
Many porn actors say that they have been forced to continue in a scene, even if they were in pain and asked to stop. Many porn actors experience frequent injuries (some of them very severe) and get STDs. One porn star who left the industry “gave graphic details, many too explicit to describe here, about injuries from sex acts she performed on shoots. Some scenes left her with tearing and bleeding and required heavy pain medication to endure (Hallowell).”
One ex-porn star said, “When I arrived to the set I expected to do a vaginal girl boy scene. But during the scene with a male porn star, he forced himself anally into me and would not stop. I yelled at him to stop and screamed ‘No’ over and over but he would not stop. The pain became too much and I was in shock and my body went limp.” (“Ex-Pornstars”)
Another ex-porn star said, “Most girls get their first experience in gonzo films – in which they’re taken to a crappy studio apartment in Mission Hills and penetrated in every hole possible by some abusive asshole who thinks her name is Bitch.” (“Ex-Pornstars”)
Another ex-porn star said, “My initiation into prostitution was a gang rape by five men, arranged by Mr. Traynor. It was the turning point in my life. He threatened to shoot me with the pistol if I didn’t go through with it. I had never experienced anal sex before and it ripped me apart. They treated me like an inflatable plastic doll, picking me up and moving me here and there. They spread my legs this way and that, shoving their things at me and into me, they were playing musical chairs with parts of my body. I have never been so frightened and disgraced and humiliated in my life. I felt like garbage. I engaged in sex acts for pornography against my will to avoid being killed. The lives of my family were threatened.” (“Ex-Pornstars”)
Another ex-porn star said, “I honestly felt that if I had to have another strange man in my face, his hands (God knows where they’ve been all over me) him calling me his baby and having to exude some sort of forged passion for the world to see, I probably would have exploded. And what would have been stuck to the walls would have probably been nothing, just pieces of skin, bone, the brain of a robot, and what would have been left of what would have existed once as a huge and warm heart.” (“Ex-Pornstars”)
In an article by Huffington Post:
..a 2007 study of 854 women in nine countries that found 49% of women “said that porn had been made of them while they were in prostitution, and 47% said they had been harmed by men who had either forced or tried to force their victims to do things the men had seen in porn.”
In other words, when Americans watch porn, they’re fooled into thinking they are always watching free men and women engaging in consensual sexual intercourse. Contrary to the popular image of the porn industry, many women are being forced to have intercourse, be groped, kicked, beaten, etc.
According to the non-profit Fight The New Drug (FTND), which relies on dozens of studies for its pornography data, “men who go to prostitutes are twice as likely to have watched a porn film in the last year compared to the general population.”
While data on the number of women girls and boys forced into porn is relatively scant, due to its secretive and illegal nature, Dawn Hawkins, Executive Director of National Center on Sexual Exploitation, told me that “the 20+ performers I have talked to (some still involved in porn) have all shared stories with me that they were forced and coerced many times over.”
“Drugs, alcohol, physical abuse, blackmail, threats, fake legal documents, deceitful enticing, promises of fame and money and so much more are used to get the girls to perform what and how the producers desire,” she added. (Westen)
Porn is also a major factor driving sex trafficking.
“Again, the Senate and President Obama should take the House’s lead in protecting victims of sex trafficking. However, like any industry, demand is what creates supply. As long as America’s men are being trained to think that violent, disturbing pornography is sexually acceptable, an enormous clientele for sex traffickers is being created every day in homes, college dorms, and apartments across the nation.” (Westen)
Some porn stars leave the industry and deeply regret what they have done. One porn actress became a Christian and now says, “Even when I’m 60 I’m still gonna have this porn on the Internet. It’s like having a virus or something that never goes away.” The sad thing is that many Christian guys watch her videos, and are actually further violating a [now] Christian woman who doesn’t want to be violated. (Hallowell)
Another porn actress said, “I’ve smiled through gonzo scenes, but afterward went home sick, curled up in a ball and physically nauseated.” (Snow)
There have also been numerous instances in which men have given women date rape drugs, filmed porn of them, and put it online. Some women have later found themselves in these online videos, to their horror. Other porn consists of ex-boyfriends who upload a video which was supposed to only be for his eyes only while they dated.
Results in the bedroom
Many men learn sexual actions from porn, and then ask women to do them in the bedroom. Psychologists call this “sexual script theory,” the widely studied notion that what we watch becomes our definition of normal sex. (Scott)
Porn also portrays women as objects to be used for men’s pleasure, with no emotional or physical feelings. This unconscious belief will often display itself in the way a man treats his female family members. I have a friend who treats me very differently when he is watching porn (yes he is open about his usage).
One article states, “It’s no wonder, then, that people who use porn often have a hard time being tender when they have sex. Sex tends to be impersonal, rushed, and “forced.” I’m absolutely not saying that all porn users rape their wives, but porn itself is often violent. There’s no foreplay. There’s no waiting to arouse someone. It’s just taking what you want. Being tender means to be loving. It’s to give and to express affection. Because these things aren’t paired with sex in the porn user’s brain, tenderness and sex no longer go together. (Gregorie)”
It’s already too late by Age 15
Researchers have been trying to do a certain study on the effects of porn on the brain. They cannot find a large enough sample size of men who have never watched it, even amongst young teenagers.
This is a much larger issue than we realize.
In a 2008 study, 74 percent of men had looked at internet porn that usually featured group sex, intercourse, and genitalia by age 15. Bridge says, “The younger a guy is when he starts surfing porn sites, the greater the potential influence on his sexual expectations.” (Scott)
Why hasn’t anyone told these guys that their choice to watch porn at age 15 will affect the Christian girl that they marry someday? Why isn’t anyone telling girls that while they think they are saving something special for their future husbands, their bodies and what they do in bed will never compare to what guys have already experienced? Why aren’t we telling girls that when they realize what is lost, they girls will feel betrayed, unvalued, unattractive, hurt, and angry? Why aren’t we telling young boys that when they watch porn, they are watching a women being abused?? Why aren’t we telling them that by watching it, they are fueling a demand for the degrading of women (spiritually, sexually, emotionally, physically, mentally)?
There is always a cost and consequence to sin. Unfortunately, most women pay for the choices that men made while thinking that they “weren’t hurting anyone.”
Why aren’t Christian parents putting porn guards on their computer? I believe it’s because Christians do not know the cost of porn. Christian women don’t realize that porn makes their husbands desire them less and how easily it can destroy their marriage. Parents don’t think their 12 year old son will watch it. After all, the dad has told the son that it is a sin on one occasion. So the kid knows better, right?
Why have I never heard these facts from the church pulpit? Why not in sex education in school? (there was never any mention of porn in my two sex ed classes). This is not a religious issue, there are statistics to back up the idea that porn negatively affects marriages, men, and women. So if many kids want to get married someday, why are we not telling them this before age 13? (When many teens have already started viewing it) Don’t they have a right to understand what the consequences are beforehand so they can make the best choice for their life and future goals?
What has been seen cannot be unseen. While God can free men from the images constantly bombarding their minds, the images will always be stored and accessible if desired. I have talked with many guys who have confirmed this truth.
The Bible tries to protect us by telling us to guard our eyes: Mathew 6:22-23 says, “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!”
Effect on girls who know have viewed it, whether they wanted to view it or not
Porn has the following effect on many women who have simply viewed it, whether they wanted to view it or not: it often normalizes things girls aren’t emotionally or physically ready to handle in their relationships with men, making them feel like they have no options or control over their sex lives, filling them with much regret and physical pain.
Many girls feel less valuable to men and have insecurities for years in the bedroom after they view it just one time. Finally, many women subconsciously take on a victim mentality, in which they are uncomfortably sensitive to a guy’s sexual remarks or looks towards them. (Dubinsky)
Damage to Men
I have read numerous articles and blogs about men who watch porn for years and as a result, lose total interest in sex with their wives. Many men cannot get an erection when they try to have sex with their wives, because the sex and the wife cannot compare to the intense visuals of porn. Many men experience depression as a result of repetitive porn usage also.
However, many men report a renewed, intense desire for their wives when they stopped watching porn. One woman said when her husband stopped watching it, his desire for her very noticeably increased. He was all over her, saying lots of flattering things to her, just like she would want.
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” 1 Corinthians 6:18
Conclusion
Sex therapist Michael Metz, Ph.D., author of Enduring Desire said, the key is “thinking that sexuality is always relational, even if you’re single.” How many dads have told their sons this before the sons hit puberty and try out porn? I would guess close to none. Many men don’t understand this truth themselves. (Scott)
One Huffington Post writer said: “In the end, I simply wish someone would have told me why it was so harmful, instead of simply putting it on a list of things we don’t talk about. We all know our rights and wrongs, but seldom do we know what makes them so.” (Dubinsky)
It’s time to start talking about this. The cost is too great to keep silent any longer.
Footnote: To protect your family from the destruction of porn, I would recommend the K9 porn computer/iphone filter which is free, or Safe Eyes 5.0, which is $50 a month.
Sources:
Westen, John-Henry. “Want to Stop Sex Trafficking? Look to America’s Porn Addiction.” Huffington Post. January 28, 2015
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johnhenry-westen/want-to-stop-sex-traffick_b_6563338.html
Gregorie, Shelia. “Top 10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Your Marriage, and Your Sex Life.” March 18, 2014.
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/03/effects-of-porn-on-your-marriage/
Christian, Scott. “10 Reasons Why You Should Quit Watching Porn.” November 20, 2013
http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2013/11/10-reasons-why-you-should-quit-watching-porn.html
Scott, Joshua. Men’shealth.com. “How porn rewires your brain, hijacks your libido, and threatens your sex life (and just might improve it, too).” October 10, 2012.
http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/porn-debate
Dubinsky, Lauren. Huffington Post. July 23, 2012.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-dubinsky/porn-addiction_b_1686481.html
Safe eyes. PC.
http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2142463,00.asp
Parental Control and Monitoring Comparison. PC.
http://www.pcmag.com/products/compare/26690?ids=240729,239905,234324,233729,218987
Hallowell, Billy. “Ex-Porn Star Reveals the Horrors of Working in the Sex Industry.” The Blaze. October 24, 2013
Porn Star Aurora Snow says the ‘Porn Business Is Not as Pleasurable as Some Think; It’s Very Painful’ March 18, 2013.
“Ex-Pornstars on the Porn Industry.” This is Rape Culture. Tumblr. July 7, 2013
http://thisisrapeculture.tumblr.com/post/54852823056/ex-pornstars-on-the-porn-industry
Arterburn, Stephen. Every Man’s Battle. August 2009.
Just a Small Town Girl 